All
people have aggressive feelings. As adults, we learn how to control these
feelings. Children, however, are often physically aggressive – they hit,
bite and scratch others. Many different situations and emotions can trigger
children’s fighting. There may be underlying psychological motives, or
there may not. Parents often struggle over how to manage their child's aggressive
and/or destructive behavior.
Sibling rivalry is a normal part of life in
families with more than one child. Brothers and sisters do fight, but parents
don’t have to stay and listen to them! Kids should be allowed to work
out their problems on their own, and parents should intervene only if the
battles get physically or verbally abusive.
Families can establish rules for getting along
with others, such as no name calling, hitting or teasing. Parents can set
an example through their own behavior but should remember that it’s normal
for siblings to fight. If children are fighting merely to get attention from
parents, don’t give them the motivation. Don’t get too involved
and let kids to sort out their issues. If two kids are fighting over the toy,
and you want to resolve the issue, they would both want you on their side.
What to do when children fight?
- Be proactive, not reactive. Teach children
to handle conflicts before they arise. Parents can explain how they handle
conflict and should praise kids when they cooperate with each other.
- While you can have a rule against fighting
in your home and yard, you can't control what goes on in the neighborhood
or school. Some parents teach their children self-defense, which is fighting
fair. But make sure that your child understands the difference between bullying
or picking up the fight on any whim and fighting to protect himself from
any harm.
- Another option is to teach your child to
say, "I don't believe in fighting," and to walk away from aggressors.
Sometimes it's better to be smart than to be brave. Most disagreements can
be settled with words, and most bullies can be ignored.
- If your child is fighting, teach the child
to express angry feelings by using words or drawing pictures. Your ultimate
goal is to teach self control.
- When kids hit, stop the hurting behavior
and demand an apology.
- Praise your child and offer positive reinforcement
when he/she uses the appropriate behavior and does not fight.
- Do not hit a child if he or she is hitting
others. This teaches the child that it is okay to use aggressive behavior.
- Do not force a child to immediately have
good feelings for the other child with whom he/she has picked up a fight.
Let the children resolve their differences on their own and be on their
own for a little while. Chances are they will be friends sooner than you
thought.
- Intervene at the initial stage of fighting.
Separate the children without questioning the children. Send both to time-out
in separate rooms or separate corners. Another option is to send one child
outside. If it is a toy they are fighting about, remove it until calmness
prevails.
If a child has a persistent problem with fighting
or aggressive behavior, parents should seek professional assistance from a
child and adolescent psychiatrist or other mental health professional who
specializes in the evaluation and treatment of behavior problems in children.
